Work in-progress.
There is a playlist that I keep on repeating for countless times every single day – when I wake up, when I commute, when I do my work, before I go to sleep. Not sure I was too hooked on, or I was addicted to feeding my emotion, feeding the pain.
I wish it's something I could just stab and let it die.
The only way to set myself free from the things that have been plaguing my mind is to confront it. Running away – which is something that I do often – won’t solve the problem. But it seems like it's the only thing I can do right now. I'm a lot stronger now, but still not as strong. The only reason I've been able to keep my composure is because I've been cutting off a lot of things from my life, including people. I've been trying to cut myself off from my social media. I feel like it's been only adding fuel to the fire.
I've stopped contacting a lot of people at the moment, including the ones I am close with. It seems like a shitty thing to do on my part as a friend and I silenced myself without an explanation. But I needed to do this right now until I am able to pull my shit together again. Or else, I think I'm gonna crack up. At least through this, I can see people who genuinely care and people who fail to notice anything, because I'm so damn tired of chasing after those who don't even want to be with me. Why let yourself get hurt by those who don't give a damn about you.
It's funny when those who had never been there in my life before are the ones to offer comfort in the form of kind words. Even if it's just a sentence.
A lot of things are wrong with my life at the moment. I'm done with telling myself lies and dealing with the same thing over and over again. Take this as a cleansing phase in my life. A phase where I rediscover myself. For once I feel like I'm making a progress in my life, albeit rather slowly. I'd still like to be able to put on hope, although the despair is still growing.
It's so hard to let go. I hope I'll find the answers I've been seeking, soon.
You. This is not a goodbye. So, please don't say it because I don't ever want to.
