There are two things that I am most fond of in my life: drawing, and designing.
I have always loved drawing. The first time I started drawing was when I could first hold the pencil. Ever since then, I've been drawing a lot of people, from little girls to princesses to brides and so on; because somehow my favourite drawing subject is the female character. And I also love to design. I wish that I could just custom make everything in my life using my own designs.
I am currently an architecture student in a polytechnic. I just finished my first semester and I am currently waiting for my final result. I've to admit that my first semester for this course went horrid. It started well at first but somehow after halfway through it, everything managed to go downhill. I won't be surprised if my result is poor when it comes out later.
I thought I could do it at first, if I could just push myself and work harder. But I cannot lie to myself anymore. I can't continue this. Let the cat out of the bag. I don't want to be an architect. I wanna be a designer (or an artist). And this is the wrong place for me.
But first, I've gotta ask myself. Why am I here, exactly?
The reason I went for architecture is because I love to design, and I thought that this course would be the perfect route for me to express my ideas for designing. Plus, I've always have an interest in building design, especially in housing design. I've always dreamed that I would be able to build a beautiful house for people, and especially for me to make a home out of.
But I was corrected. This course actually focused more on drafting. God knows how my hopes shattered when I was told this by a lecturer at my place. My final portfolio went horrid. I knew that I was targeted by my lecturer for the subject Architecture Drafting because my performance was so bad. So, during the final portfolio review, I was called by the panels and got bashed real good by them.
They could see that I clearly hated this subject. They could even see that I fancied the subject Graphics more, and I guess they found out that I actually had an interest in fashion design when they looked through my sketchbook and found a random sketch I did of a clothing design. They commented that it was really good and that I should took up fashion design instead.
I wish I could just... but I couldn't.
When I was in Standard 6 (12 y/o), I told myself that I wanna be an architect. Because I wanna design beautiful houses. But as years pass by, I developed a talent in fashion design. I filled my sketchbook with designs of clothes from ready-to-wears to dresses to bridal gowns. From there I decided that I wanted to become a fashion designer. I even dreamed of establishing my own business empire someday and become a renowned fashion designer world wide, following the steps of Kimora Lee Simmons and others.
But deep down I know that the lady who gave birth to me was going to detest my decision. And she kinda did. So I had to forget about my dream and decided to pursue architecture because I think it's the safest route. Even the lady approved of it. So I took up engineering drawing when I was in Form 4 so that I could pursue architecture later in college.
Truth to be told, I hate drawing with the aid of a ruler, more over set squares, T-square and so on. I hate it. A LOT. I am more of a free-hand drawer. I never used ruler when I draw, I never measured. Under a circumstance, I would measure with my bare fingers if I need to.
I don't want to draw buildings. I want to draw figures.
I. Want. To be. A fashion designer.
...It's weird, isn't it, when I say that. Why did I stray so far from fashion designing to architecture?
I'm in a huge dilemma right now. I have told myself gazillion times not to follow what other people want me to do. I thought I did, but I forgot to ask myself the important question. What do I really want?
I want to relive my dreams. All this time I had been making decision based on what other people would think of me. Not anymore. If I don't want to screw things up with my life over and over again — 'coz seriously that's what have been happening all along just because I was so scared of what the others might say or think — then I gotta stop giving a damn about what other people think and focus on what I really want because I know myself best.
I don't know where I'll end up next but I'll just pray to God that everything will be okay and I would really get to pursue my dreams after this. Amiin.
P.S. Today is my 19th birthday. Happy birthday to me! Cheers to the last year of being a 'teen' ager. ;)
